


a starry sky on a cold night

by shotastic



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homosexuality, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sex, Insecurity, M/M, Mentioned Suh Youngho | Johnny, Projecting, Purging, Qian Kun-centric, Relapsing, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sex, Weight Gain, Weight Issues, a little bit ooc sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotastic/pseuds/shotastic
Summary: Kun had always struggled, some days were worse than others. But he was stable, he had his members next to him.And he was the oldest, the leader, the role model.No matter what would happen, Kun never dared to show weakness.OrKun falls into a deep pit of hatred, insecurity and misery called relapse.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 69





	1. yi

**Author's Note:**

> tw for weight issues
> 
> English isn’t my first language so if you find any mistakes, please let me know! 
> 
> -
> 
> Kun gains only 3kg, but he feels himself growing larger every second.

Kun should be used to it by now.  
"You gained weight", the group's dietitian said as she looked down at the scale. Kun was glad that he got to be the last one to be weight-checked, he didn't feel comfortable with the others knowing his weight.  
Hell, not even he felt comfortable knowing it. "I did? ", he mumbled, stepped off the scale, and counted to five, he knew how long those stupid numbers needed to disappear.  
Kun turned to the dietitian. She was scribbling down something in her small notebook, probably writing about how he was such a failure with a lack of self-discipline. "Yeah," she looked at him and smiled.  
For some reason, Kun felt like she was one of the few people who were actually kindhearted and cared for their well-being. "Don't worry too much though. It's only three kilograms and let's not forget that your last weigh-in was three weeks ago! " Kun nodded slowly and walked over to his clothes.  
Suddenly, the air in the practice room felt extremely cold.  
He wondered if gaining an average of one kilo per week really was nothing to worry about.  
"You know how to take care of yourself, all of you know. So I trust you to lose those stubborn kilos again. What are your plans for today?" Kun quickly pulled the shirt over his head, followed by his grey cardigan, took a few seconds to sort out his thoughts, then he smiled. "None of us have any schedules today. We wanted to hold a movie night. I'm not sure what exactly we are gonna watch", he grabbed his bag and avoided the huge mirror, "We, well actually Winwin and Yangyang also decided to try baking. Not sure how that'll turn out, though."  
His dietitian giggled as those words left his lips, making him chuckle as well. In all honesty, Kun didn't even know why all of them needed a dietitian in the first place. The only one who truly struggled with weight was himself, but it wasn't like this was a secret to anyone. Yet, he was not the only one who had to be weighed regularly but instead even someone like Ten and Lucas had to go through this kind of embarrassment as well.  
Ten, because he was the main dancer and it was important for him to always stay in shape, Lucas, because... actually, why did he have to make sure his weight didn't fluctuate too much? Kun just couldn't grasp the reason behind it.  
But as he thought about it, he realized that he seemed to be the only one who felt embarrassed whenever it was weigh-in day. Sometimes, or maybe more often than he would confess, Kun wished to be a little more like Yangyang, who never really gained weight. If he did, it was barely noticeable. Or maybe a little bit more like Winwin, who somehow always looked good. Or like Xiaojun, who was muscular and lean and could enjoy food without wondering if it would all go to his thighs the next day, making it impossible to wear his favorite pair of jeans.  
Yeah, Kun now could understand why it was always him.  
"Just don't eat after 6:00pm and the weight will be gone soon." The dietitian flashed him one more kind smile and made her way out of the room. "Oh before I forget it; You guys broke your scale, right? Don't worry about that, I'll let your Manager know to buy a new one for you."  
Now she was really gone, Kun was alone.  
They had indeed broken their scale, technically it was only Kun. It didn't happen on purpose though, and none of the members knew, too. They all thought it happened because Yangyang failed in watching over Bella, resulting in her peeing on the scale.  
It was good like that.  
No one had to know Kun was the one pouring water over it after crying about his weight.  
No one needed to know, just like no one needed to know he gained weight. If he already was called 'Fat Kun', then what names would he be called now, three kilograms heavier?

With one last sigh, Kun left the practice room as well. The others were already gone, he had told them it would be fine to leave without him. Though he didn't expect he'd have to get home alone, he at least thought one of his managers would wait for him.  
Well, the more he moved around, the more calories he burned. And the more he did that, the faster he'd lose the weight.  
Kun had just left the company building as his phone started ringing. He fished it out of his pocket, smiled a little when he read Yangyang's name on the screen and answered the call. "Ge!" the youngest said excitedly "are you done already?" Kun first wanted to nod, but then he remembered that the younger wasn't able to see him. "I am.", he said and pulled his coat closer to him. It was January and the streets were still full of snow. The weather forecast showed even more snowing days in the future, and while Kun loved snow, he hated walking in it. "Nice, that's awesome", Yangyang said in English. He heard some background voices, probably Ten and Winwin, bickering around. "Tell him to bring some snacks for Leon and Louis!" - "and some for Bella, we want to be equal here." - "Well then, might as well buy snacks for all of us."  
Kun heard Yangyang telling the others to be quiet and giggled. He couldn't wait to be with them again.  
"Anyways, Kun-ge, could you maybe stop by the grocery store? We need some things for our little baking show later. Like, a lot of things actually. Why don't we have any flour? Or eggs? Did you eat all of them?"  
Kun didn't feel hurt, he shouldn't feel hurt. He should be used to it because every time food was missing, they asked him first.  
"Doesn't matter anyway. We need eggs, flour, chocolate chips... the guys want some snacks too. And like, dog snacks? For Bella, not for me."  
That was a lot of food. Did Kun even have money with him? He felt his coat up and nodded. His wallet was in there and money too.  
"And cat snacks! And that's it. Can you bring a can of soda too? It's been so long since I last had one! The grape soda would be nice."  
Eggs, flour, chocolate chips.  
"I'll get it all", Kun said smiling and the call ended.  
It would now take him a little longer to get home, but the more he moved, the more calories he burned. 

Kun began to regret not calling a cab when he felt his socks getting wet. His shoes weren't really made for snowy weather like this. There was still a chance, he could still at least drive home from the store. Kun licked over his lips and took out his phone, unlocking it and clicked on the health app. How many steps were healthy? 10.000, Kun hadn't even made more than 6.000 yet. He couldn't call a cab, he really couldn't. 

"You've got to be kidding me." As soon as Kun stepped out of the grocery store, his bag full of ingredients and his hand full with two chocolate bars, he felt raindrops on his forehead. I should've called a cab, he thought and began walking home. Unwrapping one of the chocolate bars, Kun sighed. One or two bars wouldn't make him gain, besides- he was walking. Everything he was eating he was already burning off, there was no way he'd gain. Especially if he just made sure to not eat after 6:00pm, he would be fine. He wondered if his manager had already brought over a new scale. Should he just destroy that one too? He didn't want to have this toxic device in his dorm, a place where he was supposed to feel safe.  
A camera flash pushed him out of his little bubble back into the real world. A young woman was staring right at him, her face had a shocked expression drawn on. What's the point in dedicating your life to stalking other people if you weren't even able to turn off the flash of your camera, Kun thought. The woman quickly ran away, though he was pretty sure she just hid somewhere, ready to follow him again.  
She saw him eating. Kun's heart started to beat faster at this sudden realisation and he threw the last piece of the second chocolate bar away. With fast steps he hurried home, hiding his face in his coat. They saw him eating, while he was supposed to diet. To lose weight, to be skinny and handsome.  
Kun wondered if people would continue to call him fat now. 

"Kun! You're finally home- and you're completely soaked. Hurry up, get inside!" Ten had opened the door for him and looked at him in worry. Pulling him inside the heated dorm, Ten closed the door again. "Did you walk? Why didn't you call? We could've picked you up. You should've called someone to drive you home." Kun should've done this and that, but he did neither. He couldn't. "Well, whatever. At least you're here now." Ten smiled and slowly took his bag from him, placing it on the floor carefully. "Let's get you out of those wet clothes. You should take a shower to warm up." His delicate fingers worked themselves up to unbutton Kun's coat. Kun wondered if he could feel the fat of his body under it.  
"Oh, you've got something on your face."  
If Kun didn't feel embarrassed for letting Ten take care of him like that, he certainly did when his friend used his thumb to wipe off, he assumed it was chocolate, his cheek. "Oh, I'm sorry", he mumbled. Kun felt like dying when he saw how Ten licked the chocolate off his finger, smiling as he tasted the sweet, nutty flavour. "Chocolate!", he exclaimed "it's been a while since I had it."  
Kun couldn't do this, he needed to get away from him. Shaking his head a little, he gently pushed his friend aside and hurried into the bathroom, locking the door. He would just take a quick shower, get dressed, maybe steal one of Lucas' big sweaters, and when he'd join his friends, everything would be fine. "Stop acting so weird, idiot."  
A quick shower, he just wanted to take a quick shower. He didn't want to stand under the hot water, hoping it could wash away all his weight and sins, poking at his stomach. It wasn't toned anymore, abs were hard to maintain. Especially hard when you didn't have any self control, like Kun. "How am i supposed to hide it from them? I don't want them to know I'm on a diet.", he mumbled to himself. After every weigh-in day, Ten and Lucas would compare their results, they would ask Kun about his. He couldn't tell them he gained. They would make fun of him, even more than they did now. 

"Kun-ge!" A knock on the door, Kun held his breath. "Are you done? Yangyang and I are struggling more than we've expected, can you help us?" They needed his help. They needed Kun's help, again. With a tiny smile, he softly yelled a short "coming!" and turned off the water. He missed it immediately, the warmth, the comfort. He wondered if he could hug someone today.  
Putting his wet clothes in the washing machine and putting on the clean underwear that Ten had given him, Kun exited the bathroom with a towel over his head. "What do you need help with?", he asked as he entered the kitchen. It was normal, being half naked around his friends. They were family. They've seen most of it. "Kun-ge!" Someone jumped on him, someone tall and heavy. Lucas laughed when he lost his balance, almost falling down. "You've taken so long, I was worried." He wasn't, something in Kun was sure that he wasn't worried. With a small laugh, Kun lightly patted his shoulder. "I'm here now, so don't worry. How can I help?"  
Yangyang first showed him the recipe - simple chocolate cookies - then showed him their dough. Whatever it was, it was not right. "How can you even mess up something as easy as this?", he whined and gently pushed everyone out of his way, reaching over to the flour. "I didn't even shower that long! Why didn't you just wait for me." Yangyang grinned and jumped up to sit on the counter, swinging his legs around. "Because we knew you'd fix it anyway. So we thought it was worth a shot." Winwin, who was sitting next to Lucas at the dinner table, nodded in agreement. "You're like a mother, Kun." - "Mama Kun!" Lucas yelled.  
And even though Kun hated it, he hated when he got called 'Mama' because he was never, and never would be a mother, he was too tired to correct his friend. Besides, it was something positive. To be called mother, it just meant they trusted him enough. So maybe it wasn't too bad.  
"Kun! You're back." Ten and Xiaojun now joined them in the kitchen. The latter immediately moved to him, slowly grabbing the towel off his head. "What's the point of towels if you don't even use them correctly?", he mumbled and began to rub his hair dry, while Kun was busy fixing their cookie dough. 

"Kun, did you gain or lose?"  
He hated it. It was none of their business, his weight and his body. It was his for a reason. Gulping down the bad feelings - they were his friends, they were just looking out for him - Kun smiled and looked back to Ten. "Just maintained", he lied. Kun wasn't a bad liar, sometimes he could be really good. Today was one of those times.  
Ten let out an excited squeal and wrapped his arms around Lucas, placing his head onto his. "That means I win, you owe me dinner now." When Xiaojun finally decided his hair was dry enough and brought the towel back to the bathroom, Kun was able to move around a lot more. He turned his head back to Lucas and Ten, frowning as Lucas whined. "That's not fair! He said he maintained, not gained!"  
Oh, so that was everything about?  
Kun wanted to say something, he wanted to ask 'why?'. He really wanted to ask why they made a bet about his weight, he wanted to ask why neither Yangyang nor Winwin said anything, he wanted to ask why Xiaojun laughed a little.  
"Maintaining is just as bad as gaining, it's pretty much the same.", Ten grinned and pulled Lucas up by his arm "Now let's go, we'll decide on a movie!" 

Maintaining is just as bad as gaining, Kun noted in his thoughts. Suddenly just the plain thought of the cookies in front of him made him feel nauseous, suddenly he didn't want to eat anymore. Or watch a movie. He wanted to ask someone for help, someone to watch over the cookies in the oven while he would go to his room to find the biggest set of clean clothes he owned. But Winwin and Yangyang had left already and Xiaojun seemed to want to join them in the living room as well, he would be selfish to ask for him to stay.  
"Kun-ge?" Xiaojun asked with a smile. "Do you need any help?" Saying yes, that wouldn't be selfish, right? After all he was the one asking him, he expected an answer.  
And Kun really needed to get dressed, he couldn't bare the sight of his own pale skin, his gone abs and his thick thighs anymore.  
With a tiny voice, he spoke up. "Can you watch over the cookies for a few minutes? I'd like to get dressed. I'll be quick, don't worry." He brushed off Xiaojun's confused, maybe even slightly concerned look as a instinctive reaction and quickly rushed out of the kitchen into his room.  
It had to be quick, he couldn't take too much time. Grabbing the first pair of clean clothes he could find, Kun quickly got dressed. The sweater was way bigger than all of his other clothes, it seemed to be one of Lucas'. He felt a lot safer, a lot better having his body covered completely. Now no one could question if he really maintained and if he was sure that he didn't actually gain three whole kilograms. 

With a smile, Kun returned to the kitchen. Xiaojun was sitting on the floor right in front of the oven, watching over its content with diligent eyes. Next to him, in the same position, was Hendery. He hadn't seen him after coming back home so he felt happy, seeing all of his friends again. Even though he saw them everyday, he just couldn't help but miss them. Especially, when he felt like crying over his own existence.  
Kun giggled after watching both of them for a few seconds, sometimes Xiaojun really managed to look even smaller than he normally does. Crouching down next to them, he looked at the oven. "Kun-ge, I think they're done. Some of them are still a little light but others are already kinda brown, should we take them out?", Hendery asked. It already smelled really good, Kun felt his mouth begin to water just at the thought of eating one of those delicious things, next to many other snacks. "I think we can take them out, else some of them will turn out too dark."  
Xiaojun nodded and moved away, taking Hendery with him so that he was able to carefully take out the hot sheet. At his request, the younger quickly grabbed a large plate and helped him to place the cookies onto it. "They smell really good!" he said and Kun could just nod in agreement.  
They really smelled good.  
One cookie wouldn't hurt? He would just have one, the rest would be for the others. They didn't gain weight, they deserved to eat. 

"Are you ready? We wanna start now!"  
Someone, probably Yangyang, yelled from the living room.  
They were ready, Kun was ready. 

Somehow, one cookie turned into ten.


	2. er

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, one cookie turned into ten.  
> And Kun decides that tomorrow has arrived, that his diet has started now.  
> Why wasn’t it working? Why did he feel so hungry?

"Ugh, I'm so full", Hendery mumbled sleepily, licking over his lips to get the last taste of the pizza they had ordered. Kun nodded, his hand on his own stomach. One cookie, why didn't it work? He felt like he was gonna explode, he had way too much food. Ten cookies, some snacks like crisps and chocolate bars, they also ordered pizza and sushi as well. Kun had eaten everything, he had eaten as much as he could. "Now it's the perfect time to go to bed, everyone", Ten yawned and stretched a little, his shirt rising up slightly. Kun couldn't help but stare, he wondered why his own tummy couldn't look like that. Even though Ten ate a lot, his stomach barely seemed bloated. Or maybe he didn't eat as much as Kun, maybe that was the reason.

His friends were slowly getting up to go to sleep. Yangyang and Winwin had left them a little while ago, both of them were too tired. Lucas was in the bathroom and Xiaojun was fast asleep next to him, curled into his side. They had watched the first two parts of Harry Potter, a total of 7h and 45 minutes. It was only a little past 3:00am, but of course. The combination of food and movies always made everyone tired. Kun enjoyed himself, though. There were a lot of moments where all of them joked around a little bit, and Kun felt like the others didn't hate him.

"Get up, you sleepyhead." He watched as Ten went over to Hendery, lightly slapping his head to stop him from dozing off "the bed is way more comfortable." Hendery whined and hugged Ten's legs from where he was sitting, mumbling a few "carry me, too tired" and "too lazy" in his sweatpants. "Goodnight, both of you." Kun smiled at them, Ten had picked his friend up. Ten was strong, fit and lean. Ten was healthy and Kun was sure that he didn't gain any weight. He was also sure that he didn't maintain. "Goodnight, Kun." Ten smiled, Hendery just yawned as an answer, waving him with a tired smile. The oldest smiled until both of them left the room, then his smile turned into a frown. He would have to clean up, at least a little. There were still three slices of pizza, two more pieces of sushi and one last cookie. 

That damn cookie.

Kun didn't feel hungry, actually he felt uncomfortably full already, but he found himself reaching out to the food. Everyone else, except for Xiaojun, had gone to bed. And as long as his friend continued to sleep, no one would catch him eating. No one would see his teary, yet empty eyes, no one would see his face begging for someone to stop him, for someone to hug him until it was all over. No one would see him taking a bite of that cold pizza, an empty, almost pained look on his face. He hated the feeling already, the feeling of food sliding down his throat, sitting heavy in his stomach. Kun was surprised to see that there was even any space left for more food.

"Kun-ge?"

A small voice stopped his movement, Kun was caught. First, the sasaeng and now his best friend. There wasn't even a way for him to pretend it didn't happen, to hide away from all the disappointed, mocking eyes. Kun felt his heart beating faster again, somehow he felt it hard to breathe. Was this an anxiety attack? He never had one, he had only heard about it from Taeyong, when Jungwoo had to take a break. Taeyong had told him a little bit about it, how anxiety attacks worked and how he would need to act if any of his members ever ended up having one. But, what was he supposed to do when he was the one in fear?

Xiaojun yawned, rubbed his eyes and lifted himself up a little. "I fell asleep on you, I'm sorry. The others went to bed already, too? You could've woken me up." Kun didn't answer, he only listened to his heartbeat. One, two, three, four- why was it so fast? He waited. He wanted Xiaojun to call him disgusting names, to tell him to stop eating because he eats so loud and he would most likely wake up the others. "Isn't the pizza cold?" Kun nodded and placed the piece back inside the box. "It is, I'm sorry", he mumbled. How disappointing could he be? He was their leader, the oldest. He was supposed to be a role model. What would Yangyang think when he saw him like this? This, this was the person he was supposed to look up to?

Xiaojun shook his head and looked at him, clearly very confused over why the leader was suddenly apologising. "Nothing to be sorry about, Kun-ge.", he reached out and grabbed the last cookie, "it's nice to see you eat." Kun shook his head at that. How nice could it be, watching a pig stuff his face? Kun hated how he felt anger rise up in his chest when Xiaojun began eating the cookie. He wanted to have it, he wanted to indulge in all that stupid, high-calorie and unhealthy food. "I don't know, sometimes I feel weird when you don't eat. Remember when you used to starve yourself? You struggled a lot back then."

Kun grabbed his unfinished piece of pizza again, munching on it. No matter what, he couldn't say anything. If he did, he would either end up crying or end up insulting his best friend and he would rather stay quiet the whole time than have any of that happen. "I'm happy you don't feel the need to restrict yourself anymore", Xiaojun smiled at him, "you deserve to feel comfortable."

Oh, so Xiaojun did think he was fat for not restricting himself, Kun thought. It was stupid, to twist his words like that. But how else was he supposed to react to this?

"You know, Kun-ge, you deserve to eat. Even if you need to diet or get back into shape, don't starve again, yeah?"

At this, Xiaojun got up. "I'll get ready for bed, too. Don't stay up too late, alright? We've got practice tomorrow."

Now that Kun was alone in the living room, the pizza boxes and food wrappers around him, he really wondered why he ended up like this. How he ended up like this. With a sigh, Kun unlocked his phone and scrolled through the App Store. _Diet starts tomorrow_ , he thought, _and tomorrow just arrived._ It was only a matter of time until the manager brought the scale and the least he could do was to make sure he would eat as little as possible until then. After installing a calorie counting app and a fasting tracker, Kun finally got up. He had heard Xiaojun leave the bathroom and considering he didn't come back, Kun figured out that he was also already in their room, probably wrapped up in his blanket and close to falling asleep.

With his phone in his hands, a website he only knew too well opened, Kun walked to the kitchen to grab himself a cup of water. He felt uncomfortable, he felt his stomach growing bigger each second, so maybe a few sips of cold water would help him feel at least a little bit better. "Weight, height, age, and gender", he mumbled and held the cup up to his lips, drinking the cold liquid carefully while typing the numbers in the small boxes. While he didn't know his actual weight, it wasn't too hard to estimate it. He knew how much he had weighed three weeks ago, adding those stupid three kilograms wasn't some kind of higher mathematics.

He added 200g more though, just in case.

"And my bmi is... healthy." Kun shouldn't be disappointed, healthy was good.

He leaned back a little, feeling the cold surface of the kitchen counter dig into his back.

He wondered if he leaned in with more pressure, would his body get flattened? Would the fat spread out evenly, would he look slimmer?

He sighed as he put the, now empty, cup in the sink. A healthy bmi in an unhealthy industry could already mean the end for some people.

People like Kun, who easily were outshined, who were completely replaceable.

Being unhealthy, keeping unhealthy habits and destroying your body and mind a little more each day was the only way to survive for people like him.

He should stop thinking so much, he should head to bed so that he could get at least four hours of sleep. Just like Xiaojun said, they've got practice tomorrow. Kun also had a meeting with some of the staff, and later he had solo practice. Maybe afterwards he would just stay in the studio for some hours, composing always helped him to clear out his mind.

Kun would try to stay as busy as possible, leaving no time to even think about food.

Grabbing a few gummy bears on his way out, Kun stuffed them into his mouth before entering his bedroom. He had already messed up so bad, those few extra calories wouldn't change anything. As he had predicted, Xiaojun was already deep asleep and so was Yangyang. Seeing both of them, looking so calm and peaceful- it made Kun smile.

Who cared about his well-being, it didn't matter. Kun would starve to death if it meant peace to his members.

Taking a deep breath, Kun crawled into his bed, feeling the sadness and loneliness creep up from behind. He hadn't really gotten his hug today. Sure, there were moments where the others were touching him a little, like wrapping their arm around his shoulder or cuddling to his side, but there wasn't a chance to get a hug. It didn't matter, though. Kun figured that his own sadness wasn't serious enough, wasn't worth to be mentioned. Wrapping himself in his blanket, he bit down on his lip. Normally he never really felt like this. He blamed it all on his weight, Kun blamed everything on it. The sasaeng, Ten and Lucas, the fact that he didn't get to hug anyone- it was all blamed on his weight.

In the end, Kun came to the conclusion that everyone and everything would be better if he was skinny.   
  


As he was slowly being lulled to sleep by his own thoughts, Kun felt the sadness wrap its arms around him, holding him tightly. He felt the self hatred lying down next to him, placing its soft but cold hands on his hip, pulling him closer and closer until he was trapped. Trapped between not cried tears and unspoken thoughts.

Tonight, Kun wondered if anyone would ever starve themselves to death for him.

 _No_ , he concluded. _No, they would not_. 

At exactly 8:00am, Xiaojun's alarm rang, waking all three of them up. "Someone turn this thing off before i use violence", Yangyang grumbled and hid his face in his pillow with a loud whine. Kun opened his eyes slowly, yawning as he sat up. "We already don't have much time left", he said and got up. "We're gonna be picked up in 35 minutes, so get ready."

Xiaojun, who had also gotten up, waddled over to Yangyang and pulled his blanket away with a quick movement, earning a loud yell from the youngest.

Slowly, the dorm was starting to sound more like a place where seven grown men lived.

Lucas and Ten were fighting about who got to use the bathroom first, completely missing Hendery and Winwin walking right inside it.

They had used their distraction as a benefit.

Yangyang and Xiaojun were still half asleep, one cup of coffee and one cup of green tea in their hands. Kun was in the kitchen, he didn't feel like changing his clothes so he had quickly just thrown on another hoodie to at least not seem lazy or dirty. Now he was doing what he always did, which was preparing food for the others. Because all of them liked to sleep a bit longer than waking up on time for breakfast, they never had time left for anything else than small snacks like protein bars or fruits. This was why Kun always liked to prepare small lunchboxes for his friends. Sure, technically none of them needed to bring food for themselves as they had full access to the company's cafeteria but Kun needed to do something like this, he thrived on the feeling of being needed, of being looked at with appreciation and gratefulness.

So there he was, gently placing pieces of fruit in five of the Tupperware boxes, he put vitamin jelly in Ten's lunchbox. Normally, he would always make food for himself, too, but he obviously couldn't do that. His diet started today, even though no one knew about that. He was so focused and busy with imagining how he would look five kilograms lighter (three didn't seem good enough anymore, he had realized that even before he gained weights there was still a lot to lose. So five kilograms should solve that problem, so he thought.), that he didn't realize anyone entering the kitchen. "Kun-ge", someone said, making him snap out of that romanticized world where he was light and beautiful, "there's a lunchbox missing", Winwin noted. Kun smiled, closed the last box, and shook his head. "I still feel very full from yesterday, I think I'll eat a little less today."

"Mh, but make sure to eat after practice, then. Do you have many things to do today?" Kun hummed, putting the boxes in a bag. "After dance practice, I've got a meeting, probably about our album. Then later I have vocal lessons and I thought I'd maybe stay in the studio for a while.", he looked up to Winwin, noticed how his shirt sat weirdly on his thin skin, on his slim shoulders. So he reached out, pulled the fabric a little bit, and moved it around until it looked better, until his collarbones couldn't be seen anymore. "Don't worry, though. I'll get some food later."

Winwin smiled then and grabbed the bag, leaving the kitchen. Kun wondered if he would ask more, ask about the meals he planned to eat, the time he wanted to come back, if they would eat dinner together, as always.

_Maybe when I'm skinnier,_ Kun concluded and left the kitchen as well, getting ready to start a long, exhausting day.

"God, I'm so tired", Yangyang whined and let his (very thin) body fall down on the cold floor. "Why is the new choreo so hard?" Taking a sip from his bottle, Lucas shrugged "We always need to impress, what is better than a hard choreo?" Hendery laid on the floor as well, most of them except for Lucas, Ten and Kun did. They had been practicing for some time now.

Kun tried to take a deep breath. His body felt so, so heavy. His stomach just seemed to bloat even more, the exercise didn't seem to help. If anything, it made it all worse. Kun felt so nauseous, so tired and exhausted. And he was supposed to survive a meeting, solo practice too. With a sigh, he watched as the others ate the leftovers of their lunch. Maybe if Kun stared hard enough, maybe he would feel full as well. Maybe if he focused on the sound when Lucas took a bite of his apple slice, maybe if he focused on how Xiaojun's jaw moved up and down, and up and down. If he focused on the little bread crumbs on the corners of Winwin‘s mouth. Maybe Kun wouldn't feel the need to eat anymore.

"I swear to god, I would have died if Kun-ge hadn't made us food", Yangyang groaned tiredly, he rubbed his eyes and tried to hold back a yawn. The other members agreed, some more than others. Kun laughed, pulled Yangyang closer to him, and ruffled his hair earning a loud whine from the youngest. After cleaning up the practice room, all seven walked out, feeling accomplished over today's long practice session.  
A glance at the clock on the wall let him know, it was now 1:27 PM. "Ten, let's go over your lines again", Hendery said to other in the background. Kun didn't listen well, he didn't have to and it wasn't his business either. Yet, he desperately tried to pay attention to someone, something, anything.

Just to ignore the pain in his stomach, nausea inside him.

To ignore the sudden urge to eat, to say 'Wait for me, I'll join' when Lucas and Winwin began to talk about tonight's dinner. He smiled, he fooled around, because then he felt good. He felt happy when he smiled, though he so urgently needed to cry. When it was time to leave, the others bid him goodbye (Ten said to not work too long, Xiaojun said to call him if he needs help) and then Kun was all alone.

After this, everything felt like a fever dream.

"Lose weight well", the staff said at the meeting, "We would like to capture your abs for a few shots, or should we ask Ten and Lucas?" - "I'll do it", he quickly answered. "I'll lose weight quickly"

_Feed me, someone or something inside him said, it almost begged. Feed me, I think I'm dying._

His vocal coach praised him: "You're doing well, Kun. Practice a lot, You'll get many lines this comeback."

_It begged, it begged, it cried._

_let me eat_ , Kun thought. _Just one bite, I deserve food. I didn't do any wrong, I don't need to be punished._

Kun felt like he was floating, like he was on drugs. He felt high, so so high. And the higher he felt, the closer he was to crashing, to falling down.

When Kun finally came back to his senses, when he could finally hear and smell and taste, see, talk, he was all alone in the studio.

All alone, with multiple wrappers surrounding him, stains of sauce on his desk, crumbs of food on the floor, and a sour taste of noodles, vegetables, meat, chips, and tears left on his tongue.


	3. san

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kun desperately searches for ways to lose weight, to get rid of the food in his body. And while doing so, he rediscovers his old habits.

"What happened?", Kun whispered to himself, looking down at his hands. His fingertips, some of them were dirty. Stained with leftovers of what was now inside him, slowly expanding in his body. "Why?", he whispered again, licked over his dry lips and moved his fingers a little bit. What was inside him, the food, the calories, it was there. There, ruining him from inside, ruining and staining him, dirtying his organs and soul.  
He didn't remember why, or how, or when or how much.  
He just knew he did it, he sinned, he ate.

Kun blinked the tears away, he wished he could get rid of his thoughts, too. It was driving him insane, he hadn't felt this way in a long, long time. Back then when he was a trainee, that was the last time. He slowly got up, placing his hand on his stomach. The one that fans used to love, the one he used to be so proud of. He used to be so proud of his body, when did it change? Why did it change? How did it change?

With a loud sigh, Kun shook his head softly. It was no use, crying was no use. He might be able to release some of the tension, but it wouldn't suddenly empty his uncomfortably full stomach.  
The damage had been done, it was irreversible.  
  
Well, kind of.

He got up and began cleaning. He threw away all of the wrappers and boxes, he wiped the desk clean until there was no trace of food left. If only he could clean his insides like that, if only he could simply wipe the guilt away. "I'm supposed to be dieting", he chuckled, feeling rather sad and disappointed than amused. "So why did i eat?" Technically, there wasn't an actual reason. He could pretend there was, he could excuse his behavior with words like 'oh, i felt sad' or 'i just really felt like i was about to faint', but that would just be blatantly lying to himself. The reason he ate wasn't that he was hungry, or sad, or feeling faint.  
Kun simply did not have an ounce of self control and self respect, that was it.

He left the studio, feeling worse with every step he took. Suddenly, the hoodie that used to be big on him felt two sizes too small, suddenly the strength in his legs that used to him walk miles after miles felt weak, they felt close to giving up. Kun knew what was next, he knew what was now supposed to happen. That's why he didn't even felt surprised as his knees touched the cold floor of the bathroom, he didn't even feel disgusted when his hands touched the toilet seat. This wasn't anything new to him, he knew the procedure.  
He knew the risks and consequences but he also knew the positive outcomes.  
The weight loss.  
The empty and clean feeling, the control.

And yet, he couldn't do it.

"If i do this now", he mumbled to himself as he slowly let his body lean to the side, feeling the walls touch his skin, "will that be the end?" Would it? Would that be the end of his life, his happiness. Kun didn't know. Or maybe he did but simply refused to admit it.

"But then again, isn't it normal?", he chuckled. He had heard about it, he heard about all the female idols making themselves throw up after every meal. Because it was normal, it wasn't disordered.  
Actually, it even was expected.  
It was expected, in an industry like that, to eat in front of the camera with the happiest smiles and to throw it all up behind the scenes. And no one cared much, as long as you stayed thin. Even in his own group, it was normal. It was normal, having Johnny as visitor and hearing him complain over how Donghyuck had once again clogged the toilet after his nightly routine. It was normal, hearing Chenle talk about how he once ate so much bread and attempted to throw it up.  
So why shouldn't Kun do it as well?

  
"Is it really relapsing, or is it just being normal?"

He wondered, as he bent over the toilet seat, looking down to the thankfully clean water.

It was normal, he decided, and began ramming his fingers down his throat.

Food after food, acid after acid. His eyes burnt, his nose was running, the sleeve of his hoodie was stained. But he didnt stop, not until he felt normal again. He should've made sure his nails were short, though, as he began spitting out some blood. It wasn't a lot, just the usual.  
It just happened, when you scratched your throat a little bit too hard. 

Coughing up the rest of what he had eaten, Kun stared. He stared at the bile, the random little colors. He could still see the outlines of some of the food, seemed like he hadn't digested it properly.  
  
Luck was on his side today.

Kun got up, felt his legs shaking and his head spinning. He flushed the toilet with his clean hand and walked out of the stall, as if nothing had ever happened. Because it didn't, it wasn't worth mentioning. While he was washing his hands, Kun stared at his reflection. Was it just his imagination, or did he look thinner? His eyes couldn't fool him, he had good vision. He could've sworn his jawline wasn't that prominent this morning, he could've sworn his neck wasn't that thin. Who would've thought that by simply throwing up a little, Kun could look this pretty?

He smiled as he also washed his face. The cold water on his skin felt just like wiping it away, wiping away the guilt.  
So it was possible, he thought to himself, cleaning him from all his sins was possible.  
  
And fairly easy as well.

Humming a little song and ignoring the pain in his throat, Kun walked out.  
If he just continued like this, he would lose weight again. It worked once, it'll work twice.   
  
  


"You missed dinner, Kun-ge."

That was the first thing Lucas had said after Kun arrived back home. Those words made him feel emotional, he would've loved to cry out of joy. "Oh, really? That's fine. I bought myself something earlier.", that wasn't a lie. "I'm glad", Lucas smiled at him, "we didn't know if we should leave you something, but because we ordered way too little we decided not to do it. You wouldn't even feel satisfied in any way." Kun nodded.  
  
Lucas thought he ate a lot, so he thought Kun was fat.

That wasn't a lie, he indeed was.

"Like, seriously! I don't know how they could mess up our orders that bad, but we had like- only this much rice!" he demonstrated it with his hands, or tried to. Kun nodded again, preparing a cup of hot tea for himself. "But we got a lot more meat than usual, that was really cool. Still, though, we are all big men! How can we be healthy if we only get so little rice? I think it's horrible service!"

And a third nod. "You are right, Lucas. Do you guys still feel hungry, though? Oh and also, where's the honey?"

Kun didn't know what question his friend wanted to answer first, but he didn't have to choose much longer as someone else already did the part for him. "The honey is in the cupboard on the left, should be behind all those instant ramen.", Hendery said while entering the kitchen, his eyes glued to the phone. "And we're all a little bit hungry, but it's too late to eat now, anyways. Those few more hours without food won't hurt, right, Lucas?"

Those few more hours without food, a few more hours. Kun stared down at the honey. Wasn't it too late to eat now? How many calories was there even? 60? 70? How may calories had one teaspoon of honey?  
Kun wasn't so sure anymore, if he really needed it. "Do you need help?" Hendery stood next to him and gently grabbed the bottle of honey from his hands. "It's sometimes hard to get it out, right? Next time we should just buy jars." His friend smiled softly and took a teaspoon, filling it slowly with honey. "Kun-ge, do you feel sick?", Lucas asked from behind "you barely drink tea with honey. Only when your throat hurts because of all that singing."

His throat hurt, it burnt. He really had scratched it too hard, it burnt badly. It hurt, but wasn't it too late now?

Kun opened his mouth in an attempt to stop Hendery from placing the honey filled teaspoon into the cup, but he was too late. "You're a singer, Kun-ge! You need to take care of your throat a lot better, what are you without it?", Hendery said, a stern look on his face. He then broke out into a kind, bright smile and nudged his shoulder.  
Did he feel his bone? Or just fat? Kun wanted to ask him. Wouldn't it be weird, though? If he just asked 'Hey, Hendery. Can you feel the fat whenever you touch my body?'  
Kun held back a sigh and nodded, watching the honey slowly dissolve in the cup of warm tea. It was still steaming, just a little bit. Yet, Kun felt the need to blow on it, so he did. Making his friends around him giggle, saying things like 'Our Kun-ge is so cute!' or 'Don't burn your little tongue!'.  
After that, both of them left, and Kun sat alone in the kitchen, his hands around the cup. He hadn't noticed how cold he actually felt, but when his fingers touched the warm cup, he smiled a little. It felt calming, it was quite silent in the dorm as well. He heard Leon and Louis meow here and there, he also heard the faint noises of a phone. Someone was probably watching YouTube, maybe Netflix, in the living room. Judging from the english words, Kun figured it was either Yangyang, Ten or Xiaojun.

His phone vibrated, signaling him the arrival of a new message. Glancing over to the device, Kun felt the sudden sadness, the sudden emptiness creep back.

A text from one of his managers.

**\- Are you guys asleep yet? I didn't want to ring the bell, just in case. I bought a scale for your dorm, can you come outside for a bit?**

Kun didn't answer, instead he just got up, leaving his tea on the table. He shouldn't drink it anyways, a teaspoon of honey was just wasted calories. "Where are you going? We should sleep soon, are you leaving?", Yangyang was the one in the living room, as Kun noticed. Taking off his jacket from the hook, he looked over to him. His skinny legs were simply covered by a pair of shorts, his upper body was barely hidden behind the grey tanktop.  
Was it bad, to stare at your friend like that? Kun couldn't stop himself, he felt himself grow obsessive over how Yangyang's skinny arms were draped over the couch, his eyes looking at him curiously.  
Kun's arms would never look like that, no matter how much he threw up.

"I'm not really leaving", he said with a smile, "our manager just wanted to talk to me. He didn't want to come up because he thought we might be asleep already."

"Wow, how considerate. Totally different from when he always wakes us up with cold water", Yangyang mumbled, giggling a little.  
Kun loved his giggle, Kun loved his happiness so much.  
"Well, maybe he wouldn't need to if we only woke up on time!"

Both of them laughed, Kun felt good.

"Hurry up, then. Don't let him wait for too long."

Simply nodding, Kun quickly threw on the jacket and slipped into his shoes (he couldn't bother to tie them correctly, though), opened the door and left the dorm.  
He knew what it meant, to have a scale back at home. It would mean questions after questions.  
  
‘Why do we need a scale? We're good at maintaining our health' -  
'What's the point, Bella is going to pee on it again anyways.' -  
'I thought you didn't gain weight, Kun?'

Kun would just... he would just hide it. Under his bed.

He skipped on taking the elevator and decided to take the stairs, more movement, more calories burnt. Reaching the front door, Kun already saw his manager outside, a cigarette in his hand. He would love to try it out, he heard it's one of the ways to suppress your appetite.  
Maybe he could ask Lucas, or Jungwoo, maybe one of them would share with him.

Stepping out, the cold air greeted him immediately. With a hiss, Kun pulled his jacket closer to his body. He pouted as he walked over to his manager.  
  
While he was grateful for the extra exercise, he simply hated the cold.

"What took you so long?", his manager murred, yet he smiled at him. He was one of the kinder ones, even though his way of waking them up was the most brutal one. Handing him over a bag, he blew the smoke into the air, letting it look like small circles.  
Kun felt quite impressed, he always thought those smoking tricks were cool. "Be glad I didn't make you wait even longer", he said as he accepted the bag. It was heavy, there was definitely more than a scale in there.  
Maybe diet pills? Who knows. It seemed like his Manager noticed his questioning look, even though it was too dark to actually see his face very well. There was only one street light, which continued to flicker every second. So the only actual source of light were the stars and the moon. Kun thought the night sky looked pretty tonight. He would love to go stargazing with someone one day, after he too finally was pretty enough.   
"There's a scale in there, the dietitian told me to tell you to weigh yourself every two days. If you work out, then only on the third day." He threw the cigarette on the ground, stepping onto it. "I seriously don't know why she just won't get your number, I'm getting tired of playing the messenger."

Kun laughed.

His manager laughed as well.

He was one of the funnier ones, he was the one who knew the boys for the longest. When did they meet? When Kun was still a trainee, maybe.

"Anyways, there are also vitamins in there. Also Hendery texted me that your throat felt unwell, so i bought some soothing medicine as well. You should all take care of your voices, especially now that your comeback is soon to be announced." His manager took out his car keys, stared into the unknown for some seconds, before letting out a quiet 'ah'.  
"And diet pills, Hyebin's order. She said they have some sort of laxative effect, so be careful. Guess you should only take them when, you know..." It was uncomfortable to talk about it, so Kun just nodded in understanding. "Just when something doesn't work as well as it's supposed to, I know. Tell your girlfriend I said thank you." He winked at his manager, held back a giggle and turned around, completely ignoring the "She's not my girlfriend!" as he walked back into the warm building.

As he walked up the stairs to the 6th floor, Kun thought about the bag's content.

A scale, he would hide it in his room. Under his bed.

Diet pills, he would keep them in his drawer next to his bed.

Vitamins were okay, he could just put them in the kitchen, same thing for the medicine.

He felt kind of mad that Hendery had ordered them, because he didn't need them. His throat worked perfectly fine!

Then again, he was his friend. He was worried, his voice was all he had.

"Kun-ge, you're back. What's in the bag? Is there anything for me?", Yangyang almost jumped into his face (that was overdramatized), his curious voice filling the apartment. Kun laughed as he gently pushed the younger aside, took off his jacket and shook his head. "Nothing, unless you need medicine for your throat or vitamins. Sorry, Yangyang, maybe next time he'll bring gifts for you."

"How lame!" the younger whined and walked over to his bedroom door, "then put the stuff away and hurry up. Xiaojun is going through it again and needs his cuddle partner. I told him i was right there, but you know what he said?", Yangyang puffed his cheeks in annoyance and imitated his friend's voice "You're too bony, Yangyang! It's like cuddling with a piece of wood! That's it. I'm going to ignore him from now on."

Xiaojun didn't want to cuddle with Yangyang because he was too bony. He wanted to cuddle with Kun, because his body was chubby and squishy, it was soft and comfortable. Kun was the perfect cuddle partner because he was fat.

He didn't understand the rest of what he was saying, he could only make out thee english words "all the same" and "doesn't deserve". Shrugging with a quiet laugh, Kun hushed his friend away, assuring him he would be there in a minute.  
He placed the bottles of vitamins and the medicine on the counter, took out the diet pills and stared at them. "Warning: have a laxative effect, do not take on empty stomach. Do not take more than two pills, do not take them with dairy.", he quietly read out loud. "Do not take regularly, make sure to replace your electrolytes." He scoffed, shaking his head.  
What was the use of all those rules if no one followed them anyways? Kun knew there was no way he wouldn't use them more than often, no way he would keep it to only two pills.

Letting them fall back into the bag, Kun felt himself get lost in his thoughts.

He felt hungry, his tea had probably turned cold already. He should wash up, brush his teeth and comb his hair - but he couldn't.  
Did he even deserve any kind of self care?

Kun concluded that he did not. Not until he was losing weight again.

With the bag held tightly to his chest, Kun switched off the lights in the whole dorm and walked to his bedroom. He entered it, saw Yangyang laying in his bed with his phone in his hand, Xiaojun's bed was empty, the man was laying in his bed instead.  
"Took you some time", the latter mumbled, held the blanket up for him and looked at him expectantly. "Sorry, got lost in my thoughts.", Kun whispered, opened the closet and placed the bag inside it. He placed some of his clothes over it, just in case.  
  
He would hide it better tomorrow, when he got some more privacy.

Climbing into the bed to his friend, he sighed in content. It was warm, Kun immediately began to feel sleepy. Feeling Xiaojun wrapping his arm around his waist and placing his head on his chest, he softly began stroking the other's hair. "Wanna talk about it?", he whispered.  
Yangyang had already turned off his phone, his back was turned to them. Xiaojun sighed as he cuddled closer to him and answered quietly. "Just the usual. Missing my family, missing the fans, questioning my existence and the meaning of life. Didn't really help that I kept listening to 'Try Again' on repeat, to be honest. Stupid Jaehyun and his stupid calming voice."

Kun smiled, hiding his face in his soft hair.

"Yeah", he whispered, closing his eyes before he could feel them getting wet again, "stupid Jaehyun."  
  


Stupid Jaehyun with his handsome face and body, with his amazing voice and dancing skills.

Stupid Jaehyun, who had everything Kun _desperately_ wished for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry it took me so long to update, exams got in the way. Luckily they’re pretty much over now, ill be able to write regularly now again. 
> 
> Please tell me what you think :)

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and let me know what you think :)


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